Folds in Time Discovered
AP – Saugus An engineer from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today the discovery of unnatural folds in time that affected the general vicinity of the laboratory. Cited as an accidental discovery, it appears as if the year 2009 was compressed into a series of disjointed events.
Geographically, the phenomenon extended as far south as Disneyland, where visitors to the park couldn’t account for where all their money had been spent. Nearby to the north, wildfires raged during the summer months which seemed to spread far faster than would normally be possible. The Laboratory itself was spared, but the fire burned to the foothills above and adjacent to the facility.
To the northwest, in Saugus, whole households were apparently affected. Many continue to experience confusion as they consider the passage of time during the previous year. “This year just went so fast!” exclaimed Roy, father of three and engineer at JPL.
The first observer of this phenomenon, Roy says he knew that something was different from the beginning of the year. “I just wasn’t able to get things done like I normally do,” he said. “My family was affected, too. For example, I know for a fact that we took a vacation to Yellowstone this summer, but for some reason, all I can recall are vague memories. I mean, we took almost 500 pictures and bought a few trinkets, but this hat with a grizzly footprint on it is a total mystery to me.”
His wife, standing nearby, expressed similar concerns, but her worries were more related to her children, who seem to be taller than can be accounted for. “They just keep growing! I buy my oldest son a pair of pants and within a month or two they’re floods! And his feet, oh, his feet! He’s going to need to start buying canoes soon. Seriously, there is no way a boy can grow that fast!”
Questioning [this son] directly, evidence mounted as his responses were mumbled and he rolled his eyes as only a pre-teen can do. However, his sister, who turned eight this year and was baptized by her father in October, states that she remembers that particular event vividly. She says she also loved going camping at Big Sur, touring the Lighthouse at Pointe Sur, and visiting the Monterey Bay Aquarium. “It was awesome! I loved seeing all the fish – especially the great white shark. It is the only one known to be in captivity!” she says authoritatively.
When asked about how time has gone by so quickly, her younger brother simply said he’s going to be 5 in April and he’ll be bigger then. [These children's mother] indicated that [her youngest son] is in pre-school and has learned all his letters and letter sounds, and can do some basic math. Apparently, though, these and his skills as a master Lego builder have improved unaccountably.
The biggest evidence of change, however, is in the perceptions of those who were caught up in the anomaly. Says Roy, “They say when you get over the hill time picks up speed, but I thought they were kidding!” These kinds of thoughts are clearly inappropriate for one in his mid-thirties, particularly since the life expectancy for males of his age in the United States is 75. His wife notes with a tight smirk that her husband, an amateur genealogist, “has some funny concepts about time. He thinks it’s out to get him.”
In the meantime, local scientists are still studying the phenomenon and expect it to linger into 2010. Some concerns have been expressed among the engineers that the effects of the phenomenon may not remain local. Says Roy, “We just don’t know how widespread this is going to be. It certainly looks like 2010 will be a better year – not to say that 2009 was bad; in fact, it was great – but we won’t know until after 2010 has passed.”
The engineers and scientists all agree, however, that the best advice for those who may experience this phenomenon is to stay with their families as much as possible. This seems to temper the effects and makes more meaningful the time that is actually experienced.
Roy, as the primary discoverer of this phenomenon, is expected to travel to Washington, D.C. in the spring to receive the Nobel Prize in Temporal Science, but he admits that this phenomenon may prevent that experience.
Fine: be that way, Mr. Raccoon.
2 days ago