On Adopting Another Child

My wife and I have been trying to have another child for about 5 years, with no success.  We were able to conceive a few years ago, but that ended in a miscarriage. Since then, things haven't gone well for us in that regards.  My wife's hypoglycemia has continued to monkey with her biology and though she remains quite healthy, her reproductive system appears to no longer be functional.

So, we've elected to adopt.  This isn't a new thing for us ... we've actually been contemplating and researching this for several years.  My wife's brother adopted a baby boy twelve years ago through LDS Family Services when they believed that they couldn't have any children after their first son was born.  (And there they now are with two more biological children, for a total of four!  Go figure.)  Having watched their lengthy and sometimes painful experience, we have no illusions about how easy this whole process will be.

Even so, we feel that it is something we should do.  Our family of three children, which is wonderful and which we greatly appreciate and love, just doesn't seem ... complete.  There's no way to really describe it and -- for those who aren't in tune with their spiritual sides this won't make any sense -- we have felt for a long time that our family should have at least one more child.  We're open to two more children, if that's how the adoption process works out, but we'll be happy with just one more.

Our children are delighted at the prospect.  Our daughter, in particular, is keen on having a little girl join our family, but she knows that the sex of the baby is completely outside of our control.  Yesterday I caught her (the mighty 10 year old that she is) cuddling a baby doll in her arms and carrying it gently up the stairs.  I said nothing, but she bashfully smiled under my bemused regard and went on her way.

There are many options for adopting a child.  The one that seems to be the "easiest" is to go with an international adoption.  This approach, however, is prohibitively expensive for us.

A second option is to go through Los Angeles county's adoption services.  This approach, however, is coupled with the courts system, which implies that any baby that we might get would likely come from an abusive or drug-exposed home.  In addition, the county is more interested in keeping families together than in placing adoptive children.  To make matters worse, the training and "certification" programs are designed around first-time parents and are very lengthy and intrusive.  We already have a family that needs my wife and I here in the home, not spending many weekends off at some ineffectual training course.  Neither are we interested in a "special needs" child (fault us in this regards, if you must).  The uncertainties in the court process, however, was the killer for us -- we don't want to have a baby in our home for up to two years, only to have it yanked as some judge decides to return it to the birth mother.

A third option is to use LDS Family Services, as my wife's brother did over a decade ago.  We began looking into this and were refused help due to a recent policy change that declines to provide services to couples that have more than two children.  So much for that.  However, they did say that they will help us with the legal stuff if we were to find our own adoptive mother.

(An aside: The policy actually reads that they won't provide services to couples who have more than two biological children.  We grumbled at the fact that we noted prospective adoptive couples on their website who have mixed biological and adopted children who number more than two, and it was clarified for us that the policy is for all children, biological or adoptive, and that those couples on the website who have more than two are "grandfathered" in -- implying that they've been waiting for a long time to adopt another child.)

Which brings us to option four, which is to find our own adoptive mother.  This is the path that we've elected to take.  It has only a small chance of success, but we figure that given everything else, it's the best option for our little family.  To that end, we've begun reaching out to everybody we know.  Some years ago, I joined Facebook as an experiment to see how many people I could friend from my past ... I was stunned by the magnitude of my results, but now find that my connection to all those people is a great and wonderful thing.  We'll see if it works out.

The crazy and ironic thing about this whole adoption thing, which is intended to be a virtuous and noble (albeit somewhat selfish) endeavor, is that we seek to take advantage of somebody's misfortune.  We're looking for a young woman (though we'll take a not-so-young woman, too!) who finds herself pregnant without desiring to be so (though we'll take a woman who simply likes to be pregnant, too!).

Despite the circumstances of this woman's life, we hope that this woman will respect and love her unborn child enough to care properly for herself so that when the baby is born, it will be healthy and strong, even though this birth mother would not be the one to benefit from the effort it takes to do so.

We equally hope that this mother might see within my family a place where her child can be placed with confidence that it will be cherished and appreciated, loved and adored.  We also recognize, however, that emotional attachment is not everything, and we would hope that this mother would also recognize that my home is one that is safe and secure, where I am able to provide the resources to rear her child with all the appropriate educational, medical, financial, and social opportunities that can enable a happy childhood and a stable environment in which to grow into a responsible adult.

It's a lot to ask. We ask for a mother to simply give her child to us.  In return, we promise to take care of her baby to the best of our abilities and with all our resources as if the baby was one of our own.  This promise, this covenant, is one we take with the utmost of seriousness, yet we are so powerless to bring it to fruition.

So we wait.  And we talk to people.  And we post blog entries like this one, and Facebook statii, and make phone calls, and talk to people at work and at church and in the supermarket and on the street with the neighborhood kids and, well, you get the picture.  We've set up a blog dedicated specifically to a prospective birth mother, that she may get to know our family a little and see a little about what we're about.  Check it out: http://royandangel.blogspot.com.  We've even set up an email where contact can be made specifically on this topic: royandangel@yahoo.com.

So, please, if you know of somebody who might be in a position to let their child be adopted, please pass a note on to her.  We would be most appreciative.  Until then, the wait continues ...

Life Changes

I haven't written in this space for a while because, well, I've been busy. It's clear that sometimes actually living life prevents you from documenting it. That said, this post is a quick run-down on what I've been doing, for all those who have been holding their breath:

• I went to Utah to visit with the in-laws for my wife's parent's 50th wedding anniversary. If you recall, we went to see my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary earlier in the year. To be blessed with those examples of marital fidelity from not one, but both sides of the family is a real treat, and I wish I could express to everybody what an amazing accomplishment I find that to be. In today's world where everything seems temporary, it's wonderful to see that some people still know what it means to make a promise, and keep it, forever.
  
• I went to Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, MD, again -- this time for a peer review that served as a pre-meeting for a design review that has now been moved to the new year. A "pre-review" is a "pre-meeting". Yeah, we laugh at Dilbert where I work, but it is painfully reflective of the truth sometimes.
  
• I went to ESA's Spacecraft Operations Center (ESOC) in Darmstadt, Germany, again - this time for a one-day "technical interchange meeting" on lots of topics we needed to address. I went with only one other fellow, so it was a whirlwind trip, but it was well-worth it. We got a lot done.
  
• We took a vacation and went to the beach during one our kid's fall break. We went up to El Capitan State Beach and camped out. We hauled the beach gear and the bicycles and the kayak, somehow managing to cram it all into and on our van; and ended up only using the first two. Even so, we had a wonderful time, even though the freight train that blew its horn and seemed to come through our tent at 2 am still makes me a little twitchy when I think about it.
  
• We've installed the latest version of the software for which I'm the task lead at work, which was quite a feat given that I've been out of town the bulk of the last month.

Some other changes in the family:

• Our oldest son is in the process of getting braces.
  
• My two younger children are participating in soccer, and between practices three times a week and games on Saturday, we're BUSY.
  
• My wife and I have decided we'd like to adopt another child. I'll post more on this later, but see here for the relevant blog.
  
• I conferred the Aaronic Priesthood on my oldest son and ordained him to the office of a deacon. He's very excited about being with the bigger boys, and he is maturing into quite the young man (in fits and starts).
  

So, life is busy, but good. When people ask "what's new" in our lives, I don't have anything really to say, as life just keeps moving onward. This is a great blessing, and I only wish that I could somehow bottle how good life is right now and keep it affixed in my slippery memory.

Another Thing to Make One Happy

My six-year-old is downstairs singing "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus", occasionally interrupting that with car vrooming sounds from his toy cars.

On Jealousy

The other day I was perusing Facebook killing a few minutes (because there's really no added value to your life when you're on Facebook ...) when I saw a post by somebody who was so excited to be going on a cruise. This post followed other posts by and pictures of this person and this person's family spending gobs of time boating and off-roading. When I saw this post I was struck with a very sharp feeling of jealousy of this person. This took me by surprise and disturbed me greatly (hence this blog post), because I'm not a person who is prone to jealousy. My life is really quite good, and I generally want for nothing.

Even so, over the past few days, I've been thinking about this quite a bit, and trying to reconcile my jealousy, which hasn't gone away, with my own life. Why is it that this person, who isn't any better than me (see? I have a very well-developed sense of self-importance, so this jealousy is not derived from low self-esteem or self-worth ...), able to have all this free time and money to do these expensive and time-consuming things?

This is difficult for me to answer and I can only guess at the nature of this person's finances, so I have been forced to turn the question around: How is it that I do not have all this free time and money to do those kinds of expensive and time-consuming things? This question is much easier for me to answer. I work hard for the money I earn, and even if I had gobs of extra money, I don't think I'd choose to spend it that way; and, well, I work and when I do have free time, I choose to spend it visiting with family and going on other more pointed family vacations (see here for this summer's travels).

So, why is that I still feel so much jealousy when I wouldn't choose to spend my time and money doing what this person does, even if I had more time and more money? I'm not really sure, but it probably has something to do with how I'm wired. I have always want more out of life. I never feel like I have enough time to do all the things I want to do, and, much to my dismay, I often find I simply don't have the strength or brain-power to well-utilize the time I do have. It's a terrible conundrum.

This whole experience reminds me of a cartoon I once saw, which I was able to find:
Is it really true? Do we always want more because we feel entitled to it, even when we clearly aren't? I am not entitled to taking long vacations with a boat and ATVs any more than the next person, and yet when I see somebody else do this, it makes me want it.

So I'm in a tricky spot. How can I suppress this jealousy? Just internalize it and let it eat away at me? Or ... and perhaps this is WAY better ... I should try to convince this person to take me on their next vacation ... and pay for it, too.

Is there a third option?!

On Manual Labor

Last night was the 5th Wednesday in the month of August. Our ward has a tradition of allocating that evening for the young men and young women to provide service to people of the Bishop's choosing. All the youth from ages 12 to 18 typically attend and are sent out to spend roughly half an hour helping one or more families in the ward, often those who are sick or otherwise infirm.

Last night, I went with two other adult leaders, four boys, and two girls; the youth were all between the ages of 14 and 16. We went over to one man's house (who has recently been quite ill) in order to do some yard work for him. When we arrived, this man had already meticulously done more than half the work, and the lawn mower and an edge trimmer were already out and ready to go. Pretty much all that needed to be finished was the edging of the front lawn, the mowing of the front lawn, and a few branches trimmed off a tree in the front yard.

Frankly, I was NOT impressed with the youth. I understand that young people of every era aren't typically voluntary. But they all knew why we were there -- we were there to help in any way that we could. Instead, they goofed off most of the time, being silly with each other, until the adult leaders actively prodded them with an instruction to do something specific. Sometimes, even after a direct instruction, the youth would resist doing what they'd been asked, making an excuse of some kind or simply not responding.

Most infuriating was one boy who stood and stared at me as I instructed him to go get the leaf blower from the man who we were there to help and to do what he was doing. Another sad example was when one of the girls, when asked to use the edger and after I had shown her how to use it, told me she couldn't do it because she's a girl. Really?!

With six able bodies, we should've been done in about ten minutes. Instead, it took us the full half hour to prod these children to do the job.

Only one of the boys had actually used a lawn mower before. Only one! I know for a fact that every teenager that was there lives in a house with a yard, which implies that either their parents don't have them help with the outdoor work, or their parents hire gardeners. I can't fault the parents for using their probably hard-earned resources to pay for a gardener, but sometimes I wonder if we (and I include myself here) often do what is easy, rather than what is right. It is certainly easier to hire a gardener. It is certainly easier to do the work ourselves so that it gets done promptly and the way we want it done. Nevertheless, I feel that parents do their children a great disservice when they fail to provide them with opportunities to do some of this menial labor around their own homes. Last night crisply illustrated the point for me.

Now don't get me wrong. Usually, I'm quite impressed by the moral character and the spiritual strength of these youth, but last night, I was downright disgusted by their laziness and ineptitude. It seems to me that these youth do not have an understanding of the value of manual work, nor did they carry with them the spirit of volunteerism that is held by people who provide service to others. I could make excuses for the youth, citing how busy they are with school and extracurricular activities and church responsibilities, but I'm not going to, because there was really no excuse for the behavior I saw last night.

Personally, my wife and I have had a long-standing policy that the kids help with the chores in and around the house. My 11-year-old son actually mows the lawn now, and does a fine job of it, too -- and he is a full 4 years junior to most of the youth that were there last night. Am I perfect in this regards? Not on your life, but at least I'm making sure he gets exposed to hard work in the sun and the heat, and learning the value of hard work.

So, parents out there, my challenge to you: let your gardener go and get your teenagers to mow the lawn. It won't result in perfect lines in your lawn and beautiful edges, but it may just result in a more perfect child.

Bed Time

What is bed time? For an adult, bed time is generally considered to be the time when the adult has finished doing whatever that adult is doing and no longer wishes to remain conscious. At that point, the adult will generally find a soft horizontal surface on which to lay and will then be silent and motionless until a state of sleep is achieved. This is how it normally works.

For a child, bed time is the time at which that child's primary authority unit (typically a parent) says that the child should also find a soft horizontal surface on which to lay, be silent, and remain motionless until a state of sleep is achieved. Generally, it is helpful for the child if the place where they lay is quiet, dark, and comfortably warm (or cool, depending on the time of year).

For my three children, bed time has three very different meanings.

For my youngest son, bed time is immediately preceded by a drink of water, a hug from one of his parents, and a story. This child will usually then climb into his bed and will then proceed to chatter for several minutes about very random stuff until his parent eventually makes an excuse to leave ("I really have to go to the bathroom!"), says goodnight for the thirtieth time, and walks away. He will usually be found asleep ten minutes later.

For my daughter, bed time is a process whereby she turns on a lamp that shines a dim rainbow across her walls (and in her face! despite her parents telling her not to do that) and stares at it until it turns off after it's ten minute timer expires. At that point, she will turn it on again and stare at it some more. This sometimes will happen three or four times until she finally drifts off to sleep.

For my oldest son, bed time involves at least one act of dishonesty. Every night at the appointed hour, he is instructed to go to bed, and every night, with a yawn, he agrees that it is time to do so. He will then go to the bathroom (slamming the toilet seat down in the bathroom right next to his sleeping sister's and brother's bedrooms), get a drink from the bathroom sink by noisily turning on and off the sink, and then slamming his door shut as he goes to bed. All this is done without any thought -- any thought -- on his part as to the effect it may have on his siblings.

Last night, he took a book with him into his room as he was closing the door. Knowing my son very well, I told him not to take the book in his room with him, as it was bed time and he needed to sleep. He then told me he wasn't going to read, but wanted to keep it in his room so he knew where it was in the morning. I told him to leave it in the hallway and he could get it from there in the morning. I also reminded him that he typically doesn't have time to read in the morning because he is often slow moving (and grumpy) when getting ready for school. He then assured me again that he wasn't going to stay up and read, and insisted that he would be quick when getting ready for school in the morning. Skeptical, I allowed him to take the book with him.

Half an hour later, my wife and I decided to go to bed, too. As I always do, I checked on the kids before I went to sleep, and sure enough, I found my daughter was still staring at her rainbow, my youngest son (happily) was sound asleep, and my oldest son had his reading lamp on and was reading. I took the book away, told him he was being dumb about this as he knows he needs his sleep, and threatened him that he better be quick to get ready and not give his mother trouble in the morning. His totally lame response? "I wasn't going to read when I went to bed." Uh huh.

This appears to be a regular routine for us for his bed time. Why doesn't he recognize how noisy he is being when he does his final stuff before going to his room? Why doesn't he recognize how hard the next day will be if he doesn't go to bed on time? Why doesn't he comprehend that the process of falling asleep requires that he be inactive, with the lights out and his mind idle? And most importantly of all, why does he insist on breaking his insistent promises to not stay up late reading? Because he's a stupid pre-teen, that's why. Studies have shown that children of that age don't reason properly, logical decision-making is impaired, and selfishness and self-centeredness is common.

I shake my head in bewilderment. I love my son, and I am grateful for him. Even so, I look forward to him getting through this stupid phase. I hear it will take another ten years ... *sigh*

New Calling with the Deacons

A few weeks back, I got a call from the 2nd counselor in the Bishopric of our ward. I answered the phone with some trepidation, expecting that I was about to be asked to give a talk during sacrament meeting. Instead and worse, he asked if he could stop by the house to visit with me for a minute. At that moment, I knew with 99% confidence that I was going to receive a new calling.

Judging by the fact that it was the 2nd counselor who was coming to visit with me, I could assume it was going to be a calling in the Primary or something else in the Young Men's organization. I also knew that they were in the process of finding a new Ward Mission Leader, and that was the only reason I could think of for why they would move me out of the Teachers Quorum, where I was finally settled and was planning to re-kickstart the Duty to God program among the boys. Bottom line, I was NOT ready to be moved as I felt my work was not yet done there.

Even so, he showed up and eventually asked me to be the Assistant Scoutmaster and the Assistant Deacons Quorum Advisor. I was stunned, mostly because I had no initial expectation that I'd be moved out of the Teachers Quorum. Frankly, though, I was mostly relieved that I wasn't going to be called as the new Ward Mission Leader.

The other day, my wife suggested that my time with the Teachers Quorum, abbreviated as it was, was really a time for me to get "trained" in the Young Men's program in preparation for this new calling. I can always count on her to think of these things. The Teachers Quorum was a delightful place to be and I felt comfortable there, so it makes perfect sense that I couldn't stay there for long. As it is, I do now feel quite prepared to be with the Deacons Quorum, a feeling I know I wouldn't have if I hadn't first spent a year with the Teachers.

The two men I'm working with, the Scoutmaster (who is mostly responsible for the scouting side of the boy's activities) and the 2nd Counselor to the Young Men's (who is mostly responsible for the Sunday/religious side of the boy's activities), are wonderful men that I consider to be good friends. I'm looking forward to working with them, and I understand very clearly how I can help them: I'm an organizer by nature and can help them plan to get these boys moving forward with their scouting, and, having had experience with the Teachers with regards to the Duty to God program, I can help get that moving, too.

My oldest son will be joining the quorum very soon, and it will be good to have a direct hand in what he does once he gets there. I also look forward to the regular campouts that we will be having; camping is something I greatly enjoy and I know the boys love it, too.

It was very strange, though, on Sunday, when I went to the Deacons Quorum for the first time. I was struck by just how little the boys are compared to the Teachers. Most of the Teachers in my old quorum are taller than me, so looking down to these boys was just plain weird. My wife reminded me that most of the boys just turned 12 and will likely sprout up in the next few years while under my care. Even so, it was still very strange to me.

It was also very strange to stand in front of them and attempt to have a serious discussion. They are prone to interrupting, silliness, and random expressions of thought, and few, if any, of them have filters between their brains and their tongues. I was able to find out where they are in scouting, and I'd consider most of them to be "behind", and, as far as I can tell, none of them have done anything with Duty to God.

*sigh* There's a lot of work to do ...

My Birthday!

Today is my birthday and I have now officially entered my early late thirties! It's a terrible thing, I know, but, despite my best wishes, I can't seem to slow time down. Even so, I'm grateful to still be marking the passage of time.

I also happened to have the day off from work, as it is my regular Friday off. It's been a good day, and I had a decent list of things I wanted to do. For the run-down, this is what we've done:

• Woke up late (well, all the way until 8:15!).
• Went to Chick-Fil-A for a free breakfast sausage biscuit for breakfast (a few shopping errands followed).
• Opened presents (a few great movies, a book from my parents, and a bag of peanut butter M&Ms -- awesome!)
• Played Super Mario Brothers 3 on the Wii while the kids watched the old-school game play and proclaimed they could do SO much better than me (as if).
• Had delicious homemade hamburgers (thanks, wife!) for lunch, with an amazing Asian cole slaw (double thanks, wife!) and some melon.
• Went to Captain America with the wife (I quite enjoyed it, but felt the ending was a little soft).
• Played Jungle Uno and Sorry Spin with the kids.
• Went to Claim Jumper for an amazing dinner (the Grilled Cob Sandwich with the Spicy Peanut Thai Slaw on the side - wow!).
• Had cake at home with the family.
• Watched the end of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with the two older kids.

So, it's been a strange day full of food, media, and family. It's been very restful, and I feel very blessed! Happy birthday to me!!

Movie Smackdowns

So in this past week, I've managed to watch most of four movies, an unprecedented feat that is even more astonishing given the craziness of my family's summer so far. The movies were each pretty good in their own way, but I had thoughts about which were the better movies in the two pairs I watched. One pair was a set of "kids" shows. The other was more PG-13 fare. So, a quick rundown, then the smackdown.

• The Lion King: Yeah, I know it's an old movie (we have it on VHS!), but my kids hadn't seen it in a very long time and most certainly didn't remember it. This is still one of Disney's finest cartoons of that era, and the children were entranced. I put it on just to listen to the opening sequence to test the surround sound connection to our VCR. One by one, the kids came over and sat down and didn't move. This, of course, had a stellar message about taking responsibility.
• Rango: Okay, this one was a PG movie that had a lot of buzz. I'd been told it was weird, but, wow, was it weird. I wouldn't have actually rated this as PG, either, because of all the swearing that's in the movie, all of which could have been left out. Clearly in PG-13 territory, the kids were complaining about the swearing and it frightened my youngest son in all the wrong places. Yeah, it was weird. I did appreciate the messages it was conveying, especially the one about how you are what you choose to be.
  

Smackdown result between these two movies? Clearly, The Lion King wins. Rango was too inappropriate for very young children.

Okay, so the next set:

• Source Code: I had heard lots of great things about this movie, so we got it from Netflix and watched it in one sitting (that's a feat for my wife and I). We enjoyed piecing the puzzle together through to the very end. I won't spoil it here, but I thought the ending was satisfying.
• The Adjustment Bureau: I hadn't heard very much about this movie, but Netflix suggested it as a good choice. After reading about it and watching a little video online that showed how they constructed one of the "doors" scenes, I was intrigued. My wife was completely clueless about the movie, but we were enthralled from the first scene. It was a great movie, with interesting theological suggestions, and had a satisfying ending.
  

Smackdown results? I think The Adjustment Bureau wins. While Source Code had a stronger and more emotionally fulfilling ending, I have to fault that movie for being derivative. My wife and I are well-schooled in alternate realities and diverging timelines thanks to our passion for nearly all things Star Trek, so we weren't wowed by the big reveal at the end. The Adjustment Bureau, on the other hand, posed some very fascinating questions about the nature of free will, God's (oh, excuse me, The Chairman's) divine plan for humanity, and how unrestrained freedom can run amok to cause so much trouble. Wrap this up with a solid romantic plotline and both my wife and I were satisfied with the results.

Okay, so, with this smackdown, a few recommendations:

• Re-watch The Lion King. It's just good-hearted fun.
• Watch Rango ... once. But only if you have nothing else to do.
• Watch Source Code.
• Definitely watch The Adjustment Bureau.

Ah, summertime ... Who knew I'd have time to actually watch these many movies, let alone construct this blog post about them? (And, please, please, don't remind me of any of the million other things I should have been doing instead ...)

Where Have I Been?

So I must really apologize to all of my extraordinarily devoted readers out there ... all 2 of you! Thank you for your patience as I have been traveling a whole lot the last few months. I was going to try to do a blog post to tell a little about where I've been, but I think it's easier to just look at a map (click it for a bigger view):

Yeah, I've been a few places. Most of these trips have been in the last two months, too. Quite a summer!

And all this has been on top of the usual stuff nearby my house, such as temple trips, and excursions to Six Flags Magic Mountain and Hurricane Harbor. We've even managed to squeeze in a few movie nights and hosted/participated in a few dinner parties, too! It's been quite a summer, and it isn't even over, yet! (Un)happily, it looks like things are slowing down a little as the kids have their last few weeks before going back to school. We're still struggling to schedule that garage sale we've been meaning to have since April, but, hey, we'll get to it eventually!